Ways To Get Rid Of Your Roommate
1. Smoke jimson weed. Do whatever comes naturally.
2. Switch the sheets on your beds while s/he is at class.
3. Twitch a lot.
4. Pretend to talk while pretending to be asleep.
5. Steal a fishtank. Fill it with beer and dump sardines in it. Talk to them.
6. Become a subgenius.
7. Inject his/her twinkies with a mixture of Dexatrim and MSG.
8. Learn to levitate. While your roommate is looking away, float up out of your seat. When s/he turns to look, fall back down
9. Speak in tongues.
10. Move you roommate's personal effects around. Start subtly. Gradually work up to big things, and eventually glue
everything s/he owns to the ceiling.
11. Walk and talk backwards.
12. Spend all your money on Jolt Cola. Drink it all. Stack the cans in the middle of your room. Number them.
13. Spend all your money on Transformers. Play with them at night. If your roommate says anything, tell him/her with a
straight face, "They're more than meets the eye."
14. Recite entire movie scripts (e.g. "The Road Warrior," "Repo Man," "Casablanca,") almost inaudibly.
15. Kill roaches with a monkey wrench while playing Wagnerian arias on a kazoo. If your roommate complains, explain that it
is for your performance art class (or hit him/her with the wrench).
16. Collect all your urine in a small jug.
17. Chain yourself to your roommate's bed. Get him/her to bring you food.
18. Get a computer. Leave it on when you are not using it. Turn it off when you are.
19. Ask your roommate if your family can move in "just for a couple of weeks."
20. Buy as many back issues of Field and Stream as you can. Pretend to masturbate while reading them.
21. Fake a heart attack. When your roommate gets the paramedics to come, pretend nothing happened.
22. Eat glass.
23. Smoke ballpoint pens.
24. Smile. All the time.
25. Collect dog shit in baby food jars. Sort them according to what you think the dog ate.
26. Burn all your waste paper while eying your roommate suspiciously.
27. Hide a bunch of potato chips and Ho Hos in the bottom of a trash can. When you get hungry, root around in the trash.
Find the food, and eat it. If your roommate empties the trash before you get hungry, demand that s/he reimburse you.
28. Leave a declaration of war on your roommate's desk. Include a list of grievances.
29. Paste boogers on the windows in occult patterns.
30. Shoot rubber bands at your roommate while his/her back is turned, and then look away quickly.
31. Dye all your underwear lime green.
32. Spill a lot of beer on his/her bed. Swim.
33. Bye three loaves of stale bread. Grow mold in the closet.
34. Hide your underwear and socks in your roommate's closet. Accuse him/her of stealing it.
35. Remove your door. Ship it to your roommate's parents (postage due).
36. Pray to Azazoth or Zoroaster. Sacrifice something nasty.
37. Whenever your roommate walks in, wait one minute and then stand up. Announce that you are going to take a shower. Do
so. Keep this up for three weeks.
38. Array thirteen toothbrushes of different colors on your dresser. Refuse to discuss them.
39. Paint your half of the room black. Or paisley.
40. Whenever he/she is about to fall asleep, ask questions that start with "Didja ever wonder why...." Be creative.
41. Shave one eyebrow.
42. Put your mattress underneath your bed. Sleep down under there and pile your dirty clothes on the empty bedframe. If
your roommate comments, mutter "Gotta save space," twenty times while twitching violently.
43. Put horseradish in your shoes.
44. Shelve all your books with the spines facing the wall. Complain loudly that you can never find the book that you want.
45. Always flush the toilet three times.
46. Subsist entirely on pickles for a week. Vomit often.
47. Buy a copy of Frankie Yankovic's "Pennsylvania Polka,"l and play it at least 6 hours a day. If your roommate complains,
explain that it's an assignment for your primitive cultures class.
48. Give him/her an allowance.
49. Listen to radio static.
50. Open your window shades before you go to sleep each night. Close them as soon as you wake up.
51. Cry a lot.
52. Send secret admirer notes on your roommate's blitzmail.
53. Clip your fingernails and toenails and keep them in a baggie. Leave the baggie near your computer and snack from it while
studying. If he/she walks by, grab the bag close and eye him/her suspiciously.
54. Paste used kleenexes to his/her walls.
55. Whenever your roommate comes in from the shower, lower your eyes and giggle to yourself.
56. If you get in before your roommate, go to sleep in his/her bed.
57. Put pornos under his/her bed. Whenever someone comes to visit your roommate when they're not home, show them the
58. Whenever you go to sleep, start jumping on your bed . . . do so for a while, then jump really high and act like you hit
your head on the ceiling. Crumple onto your bed and fake like you were knocked out . . . use this method to fall asleep every
night for a month.
59. If your roommate goes away for a weekend, change the locks.
60. Whenever his/her parents call and ask for your roommate, breathe into the phone for 5 seconds then hang up.
61. Whenever he/she goes to shower, drop whatever you're doing, grab a towel, and go shower too.
62. Find out your roommate's post office box code. Open it and take his/her mail. Do this for one month. After that, send the
mail to him/her by UPS.
63. Collect all of your pencil shavings and sprinkle them on the floor.
64. Create an imaginary cat for a pet. Talk to it every night, act like you're holding it, keep a litter box under your desk.
After two weeks, say that your cat is missing. Put up signs in your dorm, blame your roommate.
65. Call safety & security whenever your roommate turns up his/her music.
66. Follow him/her around on weekends.
67. Sit on the floor and talk to the wall.
68. Whenever the phone rings, get up and answer the door.
69. Whenever someone knocks, answer the phone.
70. Take his/her underwear. Wear it.
71. Whenever your roommate is walking through the room, bump into him/her.
72. Stare at your roommate for five minutes out of every hour. Don't say anything, just stare.
73. Tell your roommate that someone called and said that it was really important but you can't remember who it was.
74. Let mice loose in his/her room.
75. Give each of your walls a different name. Whenever you can't answer a problem, ask each of your walls. Write down
their responses, then ask your ceiling for the final answer. Complain to your roommate that you don't trust your ceiling.
76. Take your roommate's papers and hand them in as your own.
77. Skip to the bathroom.
78. Take all of your roommate's furniture and build a fort. Guard the fort for an entire weekend.
79. Gather up a garbage bag full of leaves and throw them in a pile in his/her room. Jump in them. Comment about the
80. When you walk into your room, turn off your lights. Turn them on when you leave.
81. Print up satanic signs and leave them in your room where he/she can find them.
82. Whenever you're on the phone and he/she walks in, hang up immediately without saying anything and crawl under your
desk. Sit there for two minutes than call whoever it was back.
83. Insist on writing the entire lyrics to American Pie on your ceiling above your bed. Sing them every night before you go to
84. Use a bible as Kleenex. Yell at your roommate if they say Jesus or God Dammit.
85. Burn incense.
86. Eat moths.
87. Buy Sea Monkeys and grow them. Name one after your roommate. Announce the next day that that one died. Name
another one after your roommate. The next day say that it died. Keep this up until they all die.
88. Collect Chia-Pets.
89. Refuse to communicate in anything but sign language.
90. Eat a bag of marshmallows before you go to bed. The next day, spray three bottles of whip cream all over your floor. Say
you got sick.
91. Wipe deodorant all over your roommate's walls.
92. If you know that he/she is in the room, come barging in out of breath. Ask if they saw a fat bald naked Tibetan man run
through carrying a hundred dollar bill. Run back out swearing.
93. Leave apple cores on his/her bed.
94. Keep feces in your fridge. Complain that there is never anything to eat.
95. Piss in a jar and leave it by your bed. When your roommate isn't looking, replace it with a jar of apple juice. Wait until
your roommate turns around. Drink it.
96. Don't ever flush.
97. Buy an inflatable doll. Sleep with it.
98. Hang stuffed animals with nooses from your ceiling. Whenever you walk by them mutter, "You shouldn't have done that
99. Lick him/her while they are asleep.
100. Dress in drag.
101. Insist that you are a vegetarian and protest anytime your roommate eats meat. Then leave "Slim Jim" wrappers on the
floor and lie on the bed holding your stomach everytime your roommate walks in. If he/she asks about the wrappers, say you
know nothing about them.
102. Get some hair. Disperse it around your roommate's head while he/she is asleep. Keep a pair of scissors by your bed.
Snicker at your roommate every morning.
103. Every time your roommate walks in yell, "Hooray! You're back!" as loud as you can and dance around the room for five
minutes. Afterwards, keep looking at your watch and saying, "Shouldn't you be going somewhere?"
104. Trash the room when your roommate's not around. Then leave and wait for your roommate to come back. When he/she
does, walk in and act surprised. Say, "Uh-oh, it looks like, THEY, were here again."
105. Every time you see your roommate yell, "You son of a..." and kick him/her in the stomach. Then buy him/her some ice
106. Set your roommate's bed on fire. Apologize and explain that you've been watching too much "Beavis & Butthead." Do it
again. Tell him/her that you're not sorry because this time, they deserved it.
107. Put your glasses on before you go to bed. Take them off as soon as you wake up. If your roommate asks, explain that
they are Magic Dream Glasses. Complain that you've been having terrible nightmares.
108. Eat lots of Lucky Charms. Pick out all the yellow moons and stockpile them in the closet. If your roommate inquires,
explain that visitors are coming, but you can't say anything more, or you'll have to face the consequences.
109. Set up meetings with your roommate's faculty advisor. Inquire about his/her academic potential. Take lots of notes, and
then give your roommate a full report. Insist that he/she do the same.
110. "Drink" a raw egg for breakfast every morning. Explain that you are in training. Eat a dozen donuts every night.
111. Every Thursday, pack up everything you own and tell your roommate you're going home. Come back in an hour and
explain that no one was home. Unpack everything and go to sleep.
112. Every time you wake up, start yelling, "lOh, my God! Where the hell am I?!" and run around the room for a few minutes.
Then go back to bed. If your roommate asks, say you don't know what he/she is talking about.
113. Draw a tiny, black spot on your arm. Make it bigger every day. Look at it and say, "It's spreading, it's spreading."
114. Buy a McDonald's Happy Meal for lunch every day. Eat the straw and the napkin. Throw everything else away.
115. Buy a plant. Sleep with it at night. Talk to it. After a few weeks, start to argue with it loudly. Then yell, "I can't live in
the same room with you," storm out of the room and slam the door. Get rid of the plant, but keep the pot. Refuse to discuss
the plant ever again.
116. Buy a Jack-In-The-Box. Every day, turn the handle until the clown pops out. Scream continuously for twenty minutes.
117. Hang up pictures of chickens all over the room. If your roommate eats eggs, yell at him/her and call him/her a cannibal.
118. Buy some knives. Sharpen them every night. While you're doing so, look at your roommate and mutter, "Soon,
119. Lock the door while your roommate is out. When he/she comes back and tries to unlock it, yell, "Don't come in, I'm
naked!" Keep this up for several hours. When you finally let your roommate in, immediately take off all of your clothes, and
ignore your roommate.
120. Bring in potential "new" roommates from around campus. Give them tours of the room and the building. Have them ask
about your roommate in front of him/her, and reply, "Oh, him/her? He/she won't be here much longer."
121. If your roommate comes home after midnight, hit him/her on the head with a rolling pin. Immediately go to bed,
muttering, "Ungrateful little..."
122. Pile dirty dishes in your roommate's bed. Insist that you don't know how they got there.
123. Collect hundreds of pens and pile them on one side of the room. Keep one pencil on the other side of the room. Laugh at
124. Feign a serious illness for two weeks. Have a priest come to your room and visit you. Write out a will, leaving
everything to your roommate. One day, miraculously "recover." Insist that your roommate write out a will, leaving everything
to you. Every time he/she coughs, excitedly say, "Oooh, are you dying?"
125. Live in the hallway for a month. Afterwards, bring all of your stuff back into the room and tell your roommate, "Okay,
126. Keep a tarantula in a jar for three days. Then get rid of the tarantula. If your roommate asks, say, "Oh, he's around here
127. Tell your roommate, "I've got an important message for you." Then pretend to faint. When you recover, say you can't
remember what the message was. Later on, say, "Oh, yeah, I remember!" Pretend to faint again. Keep this up for several
128. Bowl inside the room. Set up tournaments with other people in the building. Award someone a trophy. If your roommate
wants to bowl too, explain that he/she needs bowling shoes.
129. Walk backwards all the time. Then pretend to trip and hurt yourself. Fake an injury and go through a long, painful
recovery. Start walking backwards again.
130. While your roommate is out, glue your shoes to the ceiling. When your roommate walks in, sit on the floor, hold your
head, and moan.
131. Explain to your roommate that you're going to be housing a prospective student in the near future. One day, bring in a
pig. If your roommate protests, hug the pig and tell your roommate that he/she hurt its feelings. Watch T.V with the pig,
eating lots of bacon.
132. Make a sandwich. Don't eat it, leave it on the floor. Ignore the sandwich. Wait until your roommate gets rid of it, and
then say, "Hey, where the hell is my sandwich!?" Complain loudly that you are hungry.
133. Punch a hole in the T.V. Sit and watch it anyway, complaining about the poor picture quality.
134. Wear a cape. Stand in front of an open window for about an hour every day. Then, one day, when your roommate is
gone, go outside and lie down underneath the window, pretending to be hurt, and wait for your roommate to return. The next
day, start standing in front of the window again.
135. Collect potatoes. Paint faces on them and give them names. Name one after your roommate. Separate your roommate's
potato from the others. Wait a few days, and then bake your roommate's potato and eat it. Explain to your roommate, "He just
136. Fill an empty shaving cream can with whipped cream. Use it to shave, and then spray some into your mouth. Later on,
complain that you feel sick. Continue this process for several weeks.
137. Cover your bed with a tent. Live inside it for a week. If your roommate asks, explain that "It's a jungle out there." Get
your roommate to bring you food and water.
138. Keep a vacuum cleaner in the middle of the room. Look at it with fear for a few days. Then stay out of the room entirely,
opening the door only a crack and whispering to your roommate, "Psst! Is it gone?"
139. Break the window with a rock. If your roommate protests, explain that you were hot. Open and close the broken window
as you normally would.
140. Throw darts at a bare wall. All of a sudden, act excited, telling your roommate that you hit the bull's eye.
141. Send flowers to your roommate, with a card that says, "I'm sorry. It won't happen again." When you see them, start
ripping up the flowers. Repeat the process for a few weeks.
142. Call your roommate Clyde by accident. Start doing so every so often. Increase the frequency over the next few weeks,
until you are calling him Clyde all the time. If your roommate protests, say, "I'm sorry. I won't do that anymore, Murray."
143. Hire a night watchman to guard the room while you are sleeping.
144. Move everything to one side of the room. Ask your roommate if he knows how much an elephant weighs, and look at the
floor on the empty side of the room with concern.
145. Practice needlepoint every night. At one point, grab your thumb and scream, "Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!" Cry
hysterically for a few minutes, and then go to bed. Sob and sniff all night.
146. When your roommate comes in, pretend that you are on the phone, screaming angrily and shouting obscenities. After you
hang up, say, "That was your mom. She said she'd call back."
147. Every time your roommate comes in, immediately turn off the lights and go to bed. When he/she leaves, get up and
loudly yell, "Okay, guys, you can come out now."
148. Start wearing a crown, all the time. If your roommate tells you to take it off, say, "What the hell do you think you are?
149. Sit in front of a chess board for hours, saying nothing, doing nothing. Then, look up and say, "I think this game goes a
lot faster with two players."
150. Talk back to your Rice Krispies. All of a sudden, act offended, throw the bowl on the floor and kick it. Refuse to
clean it up, explaining, "No, I want to watch them suffer."
151. Change the locks on the door. Don't let your roommate in unless he/she says the secret word. Change the secret word
often. If your roommate can't guess the secret word, make him/her pay a tithe.
152. Scatter stuffed animals around the room. Put party hats on them. Play loud music. When your roommate walks in, turn
off the music, take off the party hats, put away the stuffed animals, and say, "Well, it was fun while it lasted."
153. Hang a tire swing from the ceiling. Act like a monkey. If someone besides your roommate comes in, cease acting like a
monkey and claim that the tire swing was your roommate's idea. When you and your roommate are alone again, continue
acting like a monkey.
154. Unplug everything in the room except for one toaster. Pray to the toaster. Bring it gifts. Throw some of your
roommate's possessions out the window. Say that the toaster made you do it.
155. Challenge your roommate to a duel. If he/she refuses, claim that you have won by forfeit and therefore conquered his/her
side of the room. Insist that he/she remove all of his/her possessions immediately.
156. Sign your roommate up for various activities. (Campus tour guide, blood donor, organ donor).
157. Start dressing like an Indian. If your roommate inquires, claim that you are getting in touch with your Native-American
roots. If your roommate accuses you of not having any Native-American roots, claim that he/she has offended your people and
put a curse on your roommate.
158. Wear your shoes on the wrong feet, all the time. Constantly complain that your feet hurt.
159. Hit your roommate on the head with a brick. Claim that you were trying to kill a mosquito.
160. Steal something valuable of your roommate's. If he/she asks about it, tell him/her that you traded it for some magic
beans. Give some beans to your roommate.
161. Instead of turning off the light switch, smash the light bulb with a hammer. Put a new bulb in the next day. Complain
often about the cost of light bulbs.
162. Videotape yourself hammering a nail into a wall for a while, and then stopping. Play the tape in your room. Right before
the hammering stops on the videotape, look at the screen and say, "Don't do that."
163. Buy a lamp. Tell your roommate it's a magic lamp, with a genie inside it. Spend a week thinking about what to wish for.
At the end of the week, report that someone has released the genie from the lamp. Blame your roommate.
164. Whenever your roommate brushes his/her teeth, watch him/her do so. Take notes. Write a paper on it, and circulate it
around campus. If your roommate protests, say, "The people have a right to know!"
165. Collect potato chips that you think look like famous people. Find one that looks like your roommate. Burn it, and
explain, "It had to be done."
166. Read the phone book out loud and excitedly. (Frank Johnson! Oh, wow! 837-9494! Holy cow!)
167. Shadow box several times a day. One day, walk in looking depressed. If your roommate asks what's wrong, explain that
your shadow can't box with you anymore due to an injury. Ask your roommate if you can box with his/her shadow.
168. When you walk into the room, look at your roommate in disgust and yell, "Oh, you're here!" Walk away yelling and
169. Put up flyers around the building, reporting that your roommate is missing. Offer a reward for his/her safe return.
170. Buy a watermelon. Draw a face on it and give it a name. Ask your roommate if the watermelon can sleep in his/her bed.
If your roommate says no, drop the watermelon out the window. Make it look like a suicide. Say nasty things about your
roommate at the funeral.
171. Draw a chalk outline on the floor. When your roommate comes in, say, "Don't worry. It's not what you think." If he/she
asks about it again, immediately change the subject.
172. Drink a cup of coffee every morning. When you finish it, gnaw on the mug for about ten minutes. Then, look at your
roommate, immediately put the mug away, and quickly leave the room.
173. Paint a tunnel on the wall like they do in cartoons. Every day, hit your head as you attempt to crawl through it. Hold
your head and grumble, "Damn road runner....";
174. Leave memos on your roommate's bed that say things like, "I know what you did," and "Don't think you can fool me."
Sign them in blood.
175. Hold a raffle, offering your roommate as first prize. If he/she protests, tell him/her that it's all for charity.
176. Make cue cards for your roommate. Get them out whenever you'd like to have a conversation.
177. Talk like a pirate, all the time. Threaten to make your roommate walk the plank if he/she doesn't swab the deck.
178. Set up about twenty plants in an organized formation. When your roommate walks in, pretend to be in the middle of
delivering a speech to the plants. Whisper to them, "We'll continue this later," while eyeing your roommate suspiciously.
179. Buy a telescope. Sit on your bed and look across the room at your roommate through the telescope. When you're not
using the telescope, act like your roommate is too far away for you to see.
180. Keep some worms in a shoebox. When doing homework, go and consult with the worms every so often. Then become
angry, shouting at the worms that they're stupid and they don't know what they're talking about.
181. Watch Psycho every day for a month. Then act excited every time your roommate goes to take a shower.
182. Wear a paper hat. Every time your roommate walks in, say, "Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your... Oh, it's just
you." Take off the hat, sit, and pout.
183. Go through your roommate's textbooks with a red pen, changing things and making random corrections. If your
roommate protests, tell him/her that you just couldn't take it anymore.
184. Leave the room at random, knock on the door, and wait for your roommate to let you back in. If he/she asks about it, go
on a tangent about the importance of good manners.
185. Hang a horseshoe above the door. Make up stories about having had good luck. Then, take the horseshoe down and wrap
your head in bandages. When you see your roommate, look above the door where the horseshoe used to be, hold your head,
and mutter, "Stupid horseshoe...."
186. Carve a jack-o-lantern. Complain to your roommate that the jack-o-lantern has been staring at you. The next day, tell
your roommate that the jack-o-lantern thinks he/she has been staring at it. Confide in your roommate that you really don't like
the jack-o-lantern, but you can't convince it to move out.
187. As soon as your roommate turns the light off at night, begin singing famous operas as loud as you can. When your
roommate turns on the light, look around and pretend to be confused.
188. Hang a basketball net on the wall. Challenge your refrigerator to basketball games, and play them in front of your
roommate. Do so for about a month. Confide in your roommate that you think the refrigerator has been taking steroids.
189. Drink lots of lemonade. Talk obnoxiously for hours about how much you love lemonade. Then, one day, paint your face
yellow. From then on, complain about how much you hate lemonade.
190. Late at night, start conversations that begin with, "Remember the good old days, when we used to..." and make up
stories involving you and your roommate.
191. Whenever your roommate sneezes, go and hide in the closet for about an hour. Look around nervously for the rest of the
192. Sit and stare at your roommate for hours. Bring others in to join you. Eat peanuts, throwing a few at your roommate.
Then say, "Boy, these zoos just aren't what they used to be."
193. Tell your roommate that your toe hurts, and that means there's going to be an earthquake, soon. While your roommate is
out, trash everything on his/her side of the room. When he/she returns, explain that the earthquake hit, but only on one side
of the room.
194. Buy a gun. Clean it every day. One day, put a band-aid on your forehead, and refuse to discuss the gun ever again.
195. Buy a lobster. Pretend to play cards with it. Complain to your roommate that the lobster is making up his own rules.
196. Make pancakes every morning, but don't eat them. Draw faces on them, and toss them in the closet. Watch them for
several hours each day. Complain to your roommate that your pancake farm isn't evolving into a self-sufficient community.
Confide in your roommate that you think the king of the pancakes has been taking bribes.
197. While you are ironing, pretend to burn yourself. Start a garbage can fire in the middle of the room. Toss the iron inside.
If your roommate objects, explain that you are just trying to get even.
198. Buy some turtles. Paint numbers on their backs. Race them down the hall.
199. Create an army of animal crackers. Put them through basic training. Set up little checkpoints around the room. Tell your
roommate that the camel spotted him/her in a restricted area and said not to do it again. Ask your roommate to apologize to the
200. Put out a plate of cookies at night. Tell your roommate that they're for the Sandman. Take a bite out of one of the
cookies while your roommate is asleep. The next morning, accuse your roommate of having bitten one of the cookies. If
he/she tries to tell you the Sandman did it, insist that you know what the Sandman's teeth marks look like and that those are,
in fact, not the Sandman's teeth marks. Grumble angrily and storm out of the room.