This is MY personl supply of computer jokes, taglines, and et cetera.
They are in no particular order

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This is not a tagline. It's just highly coincidential line noise.
This is an intelligent tagline statement.....NOT!
This is a genuine tagline. Don't be fooled by imitations!
Windows not found C)heer P)arty D)ance
Trash Drive C:? (Y)es (O)k (F)ine by me
Win'95 Error:01C Uncertainty error. Uncertainty may be inadequate.
Window Error:00E Window open, do not look in.
Windows Error: 004 - Operator fell asleep while waiting.
VIRUS CHECK COMPLETE: All viruses functioning normally.
You can never have too much infinity.
You can recycle used pixels for computer cat litter.
Yer motherboard wears Army reboots!
Yes, with that new Pentium chip, Windows will lock up even faster!
Windows isn't idle. It's just so slow it LOOKS that way.
Windows upgrade installed: press your luck to continue.
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my disk?
Whhhhooooo spillllled CCOKE ON MY KEyboardddddd?
When you're not looking at it, this tagline is in Greek
When all else fails, brandish a .357 and yell, "PROCESS, DAMN YOU!!!"
What You See Is What I Typed (WYSIWIT)
What do you mean my hard drive went "Clank... ZINGGGGGGGGG!!!!!"?
What do you mean, QWK? It took me over an hour to read!
What do you mean, you formatted the cat?
Wet manure is slippery. OSHA Finding # 91-087653/D
Virus check complete. All viruses functioning normally.
Virus detected! P)our chicken soup on motherboard?
VOID wilVOIDpear in tagVOIDif tamperiVOIDas occuVOID.
Trek the malls with pals of Kali, fa la la ... ack ... gurgle ...
Tribble math: * + grain = *********************************
Tribble use #28 - Keep your cats entertained.
Unable to exit Windows. Try the door.
This virus requires Microsoft Windows 3.x.
Torture data enough and it will tell you anything.
This message would have been longer, but the Sysop bars profanity.
This is the first message of the rest of your mail.
Thought I was gonna leave a tagline here, didn't you?
This Tagline Is Government Property And Cost Over $2,000.00 To Build.
This tagline closed for remodeling. Reopening soon.
This tagline is identical to the one you are reading.
This tagline is SHAREWARE! To register, send me $10
This tagline is tri-lingual. [English, Canadian and American]
This tagline is umop apisdn
Unregistered illegal tagline... social security not paid.
This tagline likes self-reference.
Too lazy to invent a new tagline, so this one'll have to do for now.
This tagline uses advanced Object Oriented technology.
This tagline uses only recycled keystrokes.
This tagline was blank before you looked at it.
This tagline was cruelly tested on cute, fuzzy, adorable little animals
This tagline was given to me by my grandmother when she Initiated me!
This tagline will explode in 5 seconds... 4.... 3....
This isn't a tagline, you're hallucinating AGAIN!
This is my only tagline. Please don't take it. :-(
Wooden stake found: Execute VAMPIRE.BAT?
Whimpy of Borg: I'll gladly assimilate you Tuesday....
We are Borg. A pachiderm is irreliphant.
We are Al Gore of Borg; we will tax you, resistance is futile
WYSIWIT (What You See Is What I Typed)

How to determine if Technology has taken over your life:

1 Your stationery is more cluttered than Warren Beatty's address book.
The letterhead lists a fax number, e-mail addresses for two on-line
services, and your Internet address, which spreads across the breadth
of the letterhead and continues to the back. In essence, you have
conceded that the first page of any letter you write *is* letterhead.

2 You can no longer sit through an entire movie without having at least
one device on your body beep or buzz.

3 You need to fill out a form that must be typewritten, but you can't
because there isn't one typewriter in your house -- only computers
with laser printers.

4 You think of the gadgets in your office as "friends," but you forget
to send your father a birthday card.

5 You disdain people who use low Baud rates.

6 When you go into a computer store, you eavesdrop on a salesperson
talking with customers -- and you butt in to correct him and spend
the next twenty minutes answering the customers' questions, while the
salesperson stands by silently, nodding his head.

7 You use the phrase "digital compression" in a conversation without
thinking how strange your mouth feels when you say it.

8 You constantly find yourself in groups of people to whom you say the
phrase "digital compression." Everyone understands what you mean,
and you are not surprised or disappointed that you don't have to
explain it.

9 You know Bill Gates' e-mail address, but you have to look up your own
social security number.

10 You stop saying "phone number" and replace it with "voice number,"
since we all know the majority of phone lines in any house are
plugged into contraptions that talk to other contraptions.

11 You sign Christmas cards by putting :-) next to your signature.

12 Off the top of your head, you can think of nineteen keystroke symbols
that are far more clever than :-).

13 You back up your data every day.

14 Your wife asks you to pick up some minipads for her at the store and
you return with a rest for your mouse.

15 You think jokes about being unable to program a VCR are stupid.

16 On vacation, you are reading a computer manual and turning the pages
faster than everyone else who is reading John Grisham novels.

17 The thought that a CD could refer to finance or music rarely enters
your mind.

18 You are able to argue persuasively that Ross Perot's phrase
"electronic town hall" makes more sense than the term "information
superhighway," but you don't because, after all, the man still uses
hand-drawn pie charts.

19 You go to computer trade shows and map out your path of the exhibit
hall in advance. But you cannot give someone directions to your
house without looking up the street names.

20 You would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon.

21 You become upset when a person calls you on the phone to sell you
something, but you think it's okay for a computer to call and demand
that you start pushing buttons on your telephone to receive more
information about the product it is selling.

22 You know without a doubt that disks come in five-and-a-quarter and
three-and-a-half-inch sizes.

23 Al Gore strikes you as an "intriguing" fellow.

24 You own a set of itty-bitty screw-drivers and you actually know
where they are.

25 While contemporaries swap stories about their recent hernia
surgeries, you compare mouse-induced index-finger strain with a

26 You are so knowledgeable about technology that you feel secure
enough to say "I don't know" when someone asks you a technology
question instead of feeling compelled to make something up.

27 You rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile

28 You have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you
own turns bread into charcoal.

29 You have ended friendships because of irreconcilably different
opinions about which is better -- the track ball or the track *pad*.

30 You understand all the jokes in this message. If so, my friend,
technology has taken over your life. We suggest, for your own good,
that you go lie under a tree and write a haiku. And don't use a laptop.

31 You email this message to your friends over the net. You'd never get
around to showing it to them in person or reading it to them on the
phone. In fact, you have probably never met most of these people

Bill Gates in Heaven

Bill Gates died and, much to everyone's surprise, went to Heaven. When he got there, he had to wait in the reception area.

Heaven's reception area was the size of Massachusetts. There were literally millions of people milling about, living in tents with nothing to do all day. Food and water were being distributed from the backs of trucks, while staffers with clipboards slowly worked their way through the crowd. Booze and drugs were being passed around. Fights were commonplace. Sanitation conditions were appalling. All in all, the scene looked like Woodstock gone metastatic.

Bill lived in a tent for three weeks until, finally, one of the staffers approached him. The staffer was a young man in his late teens, face scarred with acne. He was wearing a blue T-shirt with the words TEAM PETER emblazoned on it in large yellow lettering.

"Hello," said the staffer in a bored voice that could have been the voice of any clerk in any overgrown bureaucracy. "My name is Gabriel and I'll be your induction coordinator." Bill started to ask a question, but Gabriel interrupted him. "No, I'm not the Archangel Gabriel. I'm just a guy from Philadelphia named Gabriel who died in a car wreck at the age of 17. Now give me your name, last name first, unless you were Chinese in which case it's first name first."

"Gates, Bill." Gabriel started searching though the sheaf of papers on his clipboard, looking for Bill's Record of Earthly Works. "What's going on here?" asked Bill. "Why are all these people here? Where's Saint Peter? Where are the Pearly Gates?"

Gabriel ignored the questions until he located Bill's records. Then Gabriel looked up in surprise. "It says
here that you were the president of a large software company. Is that right?"


"Well then, do the math chip-head! When this Saint Peter business started, it was an easy gig. Only a hundred or so people died every day, and Peter could handle it all by himself, no problem. But now there are over five billion people on earth. Jesus, when God said to 'go forth and multiply,' he didn't say 'like rabbits!' With that large a population, ten thousand people die every hour. Over a quarter-million people a day. Do you think Peter can meet them all personally?"

"I guess not."

"You guess right. So Peter had to franchise the operation. Now, Peter is the CEO of Team Peter Enterprises, Inc. He just sits in the corporate headquarters and sets policy. Franchisees like me handle the actual inductions." Gabriel looked though his paperwork some more, and then continued. "Your paperwork seems to be in order. And with a background like yours, you'll be getting a plum job assignment."

"Job assignment?"

"Of course. Did you expect to spend the rest of eternity sitting on your ass and drinking ambrosia? Heaven is a big operation. You have to pull your weight around here!" Gabriel took out a triplicate form, had Bill sign at the bottom, and then tore out the middle copy and handed it to Bill. "Take this down to induction center #23 and meet up with your occupational orientator. His name is Abraham." Bill started to ask a question, but Gabriel interrupted him. "No, he's not that Abraham."

Bill walked down a muddy trail for ten miles until he came to induction center #23. He met with Abraham after a mere six-hour wait.

"Heaven is centuries behind in building its data processing infrastructure," explained Abraham. "As you've seen, we're still doing everything on paper. It takes us a week just to process new entries."

"I had to wait three weeks," said Bill. Abraham stared at Bill angrily, and Bill realized that he'd made a mistake. Even in Heaven, it's best not to contradict a bureaucrat. "Well," Bill offered, "maybe that Bosnia thing has you guys backed up."

Abraham's look of anger faded to mere annoyance. "Your job will be to supervise Heaven's new data processing center. We're building the largest computing facility in creation. Half a million computers connected by a multi-segment fiber optic network, all running into a back-end server network with a thousand CPUs on a gigabit channel. Fully fault tolerant. Fully distributed processing. The works."

Bill could barely contain his excitement. "Wow! What a great job! This is really Heaven!"

"We're just finishing construction, and we'll be starting operations soon. Would you like to go see the center now?"

"You bet!"

Abraham and Bill caught the shuttle bus and went to Heaven's new data processing center. It was a truly huge facility, a hundred times bigger than the Astrodome. Workmen were crawling all over the place, getting the miles of fiber optic cables properly installed. But the center was dominated by the computers. Half a million computers, arranged neatly row-by-row, half a million ....

.... Macintoshes ....

.... all running Claris software! Not a PC in sight! Not a single byte of Microsoft code!

The thought of spending the rest of eternity using products that he had spent his whole life working to destroy was too much for Bill. "What about PCs???" he exclaimed. "What about Windows??? What about Excel??? What about Word???"

"You're forgetting something," said Abraham.

"What's that?" asked Bill plaintively.

"This is Heaven," explained Abraham. "We need a computer system that's heavenly to use. If you want to build a data processing center based on PCs running Windows, then ....

.... GO TO HE**!

Listed below are (sad, but true) excerpts from a Wall Street Journal article by Jim Carlton:

Austin, Texas, An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.

Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"

Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.

AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels.

Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of the floppies.

A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.

Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.

Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a Dell tech referred him to the local Egghead. "Yeah, I got me a couple of friends," the customer replied. When told Egghead was a software store, the man said, "Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks."

Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.
{ This code came from Lloyd's help file! }